Chapter Two
"There is nothing more valuable to a Resurrector than the ability to heal quickly and effectively." - From Guide to Healing
This was a moment I had been thinking of and planning on for several weeks now, and yet I was actually no closer to making a move now as I was then. However, it was something I could not bring myself to mention to Ruka. I had never been rejected by one of the female Resurrectors before, but none of the others happened to be as dedicated to duties as Danica. She was special in so many ways and part of me deeply worried that she would brush me aside, especially considering my seeming laziness these past weeks in class. Though she had been out in the field for almost a month now, she still maintained a strong friendship with a number of other Resurrectors still in training. I felt certain that I was one of the topics they discussed.
I knew a great deal about Danica, and she did not approve of the Resurrectors who did not share a strong devotion to training and duties. It was almost certain that Mara had told Danica about my daydreaming in class, but neither Mara nor any of the others in my class knew of my extra sessions. No one other than Ruka and Osten knew of those, because my two best friends had noticed all the times I would go missing for hours without a valid excuse, and I did not wish to lie to them. Thankfully my friends were more than willing to keep that secret. Now I could not be certain whether that choice would help me or hinder me.
Holding back from even speaking to Danica was not helping anything at all, and who else would understand what it felt like to graduate early better than another Resurrector who had been granted that same status? Surely, if nothing else, the news would serve as a great way to break the ice with her. The difficulty would be in finding her; she had been in the courtyard just a short while ago, but I had no way of knowing if she would return there or go to one of the lounges. The most likely answer was that she had been called out to a charge, but unless I asked one of her friends, I could not know for certain.
#
I cleared my throat and looked over at Tamesis. It was getting late and even though I could tell that she had no problem staying here and listening to more of my story, I was not quite ready to confide all of the details to her. If Addie had not already left the facility I would have hunted her down and inquired as to why she was making me do this now. The truth of my past was long and painful and certainly not something I wanted to share with anyone, especially not my Angel of Death, especially not Tamesis. I did not want to reach the point in the story when she put all the pieces together and realized just what I had done to a number of people, actions that had led to harm that affected several generations of Resurrectors.
It had not taken me long at all to figure out who Tamesis was. Even in our first meeting there were certain mannerisms and looks that I equated with Resurrectors I had known. I felt certain that I knew exactly who her parents were, and when I had sacrificed myself to the Leaders to save her, I had managed to have my suspicions confirmed. But what if my feelings for her stemmed from that knowledge instead of an actual attraction to her? I did not want to believe such a thing but the thought remained in the back of my mind, circling around and haunting me, making me question everything.
"We should probably stop for now," I said. "I think I will go to the kitchen and prepare something for everyone." Cooking was one of the only normal outlets I had for myself. Sure my work provided one outlet for my thoughts and my desires, even if I did not want anyone to see how I felt about that, but cooking…I could allow myself to forget about everything else and focus only on chopping and cleaning and steaming and preparing and baking. It was one of only a few peaceful moments in my day.
In the time when it had just been Tamesis and myself at the facility, I had enjoyed a few peaceful moments with her, simple moments when we would sit in the study and read or pass the time listening to music. A few times we had conversations but most of those revolved around work-related things or she would tell me more about her life and the friends she had had. I knew it killed her to refrain from asking more about me, but she had at least acted in a way that respected my wish for privacy.
Why had Addie ruined that by ordering me to give Tamesis the whole story? I could understand a bit of what she thought, that Tamesis had sacrificed a number of her beliefs to accept her role as Angel of Death, and she had allowed herself to die while saving me. Certainly that meant that she deserved something. The other important fact was that Tamesis had been the one to bring the Reapers into play and that truly did help maintain the Balance of everything. But this story was mine to tell, mine to decide when to divulge, and though it had been a number of years it still pained me to think of those events. I did not want to think about them, let alone tell someone else, though my curse was that I could not forget even if I wished to more than anything.
"Thanos," Tamesis said as I started to walk away from her.
The softness of her voice was such that I could not help but stop and turn to look at her. As usual her expression was easy enough to read. She was grateful that I was opening up to her, but I also felt that she would allow me to stop it if was too large an issue. I had planned to give her everything I could after a few years, once we were both comfortable around each other and divulging secrets would not be as shocking.
I let out a deep breath. "It is fine, Tam. Addie was right in saying that you deserve to know all of this. We will get through it together."
"I suppose that's what I don't understand. For months I have asked you about yourself and yet nothing. But Addie, this woman who apparently has a past as mysterious as yours says one thing and you listen to her. Who is she?"
Her frustration stemmed from her lack of knowledge concerning the situation and I hoped she would understand that though deep down inside I still considered Ruka to be my best friend, Addie was who I had been able to count on since taking on the position of Death. Yes, it was true that dealing with Addie was an enlightening experience all on its own, she at least had come out and told me the truth from the start. If only she had done the same with Tam.
I could not help myself and I reached out to take her hands with my own as we stood face-to-face. I caught the ghost of a smile on her face at the contact, already knowing that she had felt the shock caused by me. It was the only part of my job that I truly disliked because at one time I had been the type of man who showed affection with brief kisses, gentle caresses, and holding the hand of the girl I cared for.
Now I feared that my touch would only cause pain, suffering, and death. I did not want to put Tamesis through that so I tried to keep my distance. That task was growing more and more difficult knowing that she was in love with me.
"Addie's part in the story will be coming soon enough. She has been a good friend to me, and I can promise you that we have never shared anything more than friendship." Part of me wanted to just answer her questions as she asked them, but the rest of me wanted everything to be revealed in a linear fashion. It would be easier to remember where we had left off and would keep me from skipping important details.
Tamesis nodded and for a moment I thought she would argue against my decision, but she remained silent. I had started to expect her to question both my methods and me, making this feel like an actual partnership than her being someone in my employ. Looking at the way her body tensed up and the fiery determination in her eyes made me feel certain that she would be the one to stay by my side until the end. However, there was still a glimmer of doubt, a whispering voice that said once she learned about everything I had done that she would forsake her duties as Angel of Death.
"Will you at least tell me about what happened when you asked Danica out?" she finally asked.
It was such a simple request and in that moment I could think of no way to refuse her. "After dinner, if you are still up for it, then I will tell you all about my first dinner with Danica." Looking back through all my memories, it was clear that Danica and I were better suited to being friends than anything else. There was someone much better who would provide all the support she needed after me, and now I could be thankful that she had found someone.
I released Tam's hands and then offered her my arm so I could escort her to the kitchen. It felt right to have Tamesis with me here, to know that we both felt the same way towards each other and towards our duties. We had already made it through a few rough patches but we made it through them. Now I could only hope that we would make it through my tale and survive the many secrets I have kept hidden for over a hundred years.
Leaving the study and walking down the hall we fell into a comfortable silence, but I could tell that she really just wanted to return to my story and learn everything she could. Tamesis had been wronged by the Leaders, used by them for her powerful healing ability, and she was trying to figure out why they had become so secretive and withdrawn while maintaining a healthy arrogance. The Leaders had been chosen to teach the Resurrectors and to uphold the importance of life.
It was when they could no longer perform their duties that Fate had intervened and created my position in order to protect the Balance of the universe.
When we walked into the kitchen I saw that Lillith and Kerri were setting the table for dinner. They looked up from what they were doing and Lillith quickly told me that the boys were out on a couple Reapings but would hopefully be back in time to eat. "What are we having, anyway?" she asked as she moved to the cabinets to grab the water glasses.
"I have been marinating steak for the last few days and I thought about making asparagus and baby red potatoes." When it had been just Tamesis and I, it had never been necessary to announce what I was making. Plus every Angel of Death before had simply come in, grabbed a quick bite, and left. It still felt a little unusual to have so many people present at the table for each meal. The adjustment was one that would take some time but it did add more vibrancy to the whole facility.
"That sounds delicious," Kerri commented. "Do you need any help?"
I shook my head as I separated from Tamesis and stepped over to the sink, pulling off my gloves as I moved. "Thank you for offering, though." Somebody always offered, which I appreciated even as I declined the assistance. Cooking almost made me feel normal, but I had already made it perfectly clear that everyone needed to keep back while I worked. I did not want to take the chance that my ungloved hands would harm someone else. Even Tam kept her distance.
Just off the kitchen was a small patio that existed solely for the purpose of storing the grill, which was what I was going to use to make dinner on this day. I set the gloves down on the ledge by the sink and quickly washed my hands so I could start cooking. It was only recently that I started to allow myself these short periods without the gloves but I knew that one slip-up would end the experiment forever.
Addie had been telling me for years to relax and trust that I would not seriously harm or kill everyone I touched but I was doubtful. When I had touched Tam in an attempt to heal her, I know there was a rather long moment when she had died, and then the after effects of my touch had kept her immobile for hours. Even risking an accidental contact seemed too great a chance.
Part of me foolishly hoped that one day I would find my equal, someone born with the ability to withstand my deathtouch. I had wanted that partner to be Tamesis but even though she was one of the best healers I had ever seen, she still felt that agony when with me. Would I be forever cursed, unable to truly be with anyone?
I pushed those thoughts aside and allowed myself to forget about everything except cooking. It only took a few moments to clean off the baby red potatoes, spread them into a layer on a baking sheet and then drizzle them with a little oil and herbs.
Next came the asparagus and I had already decided on the perfect recipe to complement the rest of the meal. It was a baked parmesan crusted asparagus. This dish too only took a minute or two to throw together and then the asparagus joined the potatoes in the oven.
Once the sides were cooking I grabbed the container that held the marinated steaks and stepped out onto the patio. Tam, Kerri, and Lillith had all sat down at the kitchen table and were discussing both healing and reaping, but I had tuned all of it out. My life has always been about one or the other and it had become a dull topic to me.
Instead I allowed myself the peace that accompanied the near solitude of the patio. For just a few minutes I could push aside the reality of who I was and what I did and at least pretend to be normal. The illusion would shatter soon enough once I set out to collect another soul.
Laughter came from inside and I recognized it as Tam's, feeling a twinge in my chest from the knowledge that I could not provide such a response in her.
"Man, you are just as bad as she is," said a voice from behind me.
As I turned away from both the grill and the unheard conversation inside I spotted Gabe leaning back against the patio's railing a few feet behind me. "Why do you say that?" I asked him. The Reapers were quite a perceptive bunch, probably from spending so much time with Addie during their training.
Gabe simply chuckled and shook his head for a few moments. "You and Tam both function as if orbiting around the other. It's obvious that you dig each other but neither one of you seems to make that next move. I get the attraction, man, but I don't get the hesitation. She's obsessed with you and I see you watching her all the time. You wait around too long and someone else will jump in there and steal her away."
I was unsure if his words were meant to help me or to turn me into a madman, but the words did leave a mark. They also made sense and I would be a liar if I refused to admit that I had considered that possibility. Tamesis had told me that she thought she loved me but she was still very young and had been raised to only focus on her Resurrector duties. She did not completely understand love or what it would cost her to love me.
Yet the thought that she could fall for anyone else cut me to the core. It was a cruel thought but a sensible one. She deserved better than what I could offer. "She is free to pursue whomever she wishes," I said finally, forcing the words out with as little feeling as I could muster.
"Well, everybody knows that she wants you so stop leading her on. Just take her to your room and get it over with."
I barely suppressed a growl at his words. Clearly he did not understand the ramifications if either of us gave in. For me to give in to my desires to hold Tamesis, to kiss her or do anything more than that would only result in causing her pain and possibly I death I could not reverse. "You have no idea what you are suggesting. There is much you still do not know about what happens here."
The words came out harsher than I intended but it was far too late to take them back. Taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly, I forced my body to calm down. "She and I will never be what either of us might wish to be. The risks are too great."
Gabe continued to look at me and shrugged. "Whatever you say, man, but if it's the real deal then no risk is too great." Then he shoved himself forward from the railing and headed inside.
I stood unmoving for a few seconds and then turned back to the steak. Shortly before she had left, Addie had brought up similar points but I had not been willing to even consider them then. The fact was that if Addie said it then I would be a complete idiot to doubt her.
I tried to clear the thoughts from my mind but found I could no longer return to that state of peaceful quiet. It was clear that the way I used to operate would no longer work. Change was coming whether I wanted it to or not. Change had arrived with the Reapers and if I could adjust to them then I needed to be open to other possibilities as well.
As soon as the steaks were ready I arranged them on a platter, carried them inside, and set the platter in the middle of the table. Then I pulled the asparagus and potatoes from the oven and carried them to the table as well. "Dinner is ready," I announced as I grabbed my gloves from the ledge above the sink and pulled the black leather over my cursed skin.
After checking one last time that my hands were completely covered I joined the others at the table. For whatever reason, though the death curse flowed over my entire body, it was most potent with contact from my hands. Perhaps that was the loophole I needed, but I doubted it. My kiss had killed in the past and I was not eager to repeat the experience.
Perhaps my thoughts translated to a certain look because no one spoke to me except to compliment the food. It was fine that they did not include me in the conversation because I would not have been much of a participant anyway.
After the meal Gabe and Rick offered to clean up while Kerri and Lillith headed out for a few quick Reaps. Tam stood up and walked over to me. "I still want you to tell me about Danica tonight but I have a fairly important soul to collect."
She had gotten comfortable enough with the job that she was now starting to sense the weight of the souls. It helped us see how much the Balance could be tipped, and with a heavy soul it was likely that a Resurrector would also be there. I nodded to her. "I will be waiting for you in the study. Be careful."
Tam gave me a bright smile and shook her head. "There's no need for that. I can certainly handle the Resurrectors." Then she faded away in a smoky gray mist and I made my way down the hall to my study.
#
I found Danica in the library, surrounded by a massive pile of texts on the healing arts. It was something I should have expected from her, and just seeing her so engrossed in a task she truly believed in was beautiful. For a moment I almost walked past her and left her in peace. However, Ruka was expecting me to stop procrastinating on this and frankly, I needed to just get it all out in the open. Now seemed to be the perfect time as she was alone. Any other time and I would also have to deal with all of her friends, most of whom I had courted at one point or another.
Before walking directly up to her, I picked up a couple of books on handling your first field assignment so I could skim through them later in the evening if I was without other plans. With any luck I would be able to escort Danica to dinner and we could discussing working in the field while waiting for the meal to arrive. It would be so much more pleasant to discuss the matter with someone than to read about the rather long history of Resurrectors in the field.
After taking my acquisitions to the circulation desk and having Alim, the elderly librarian sign them out to my name, I slowly made my way over to the table Danica occupied. I cleared my throat and gestured towards the open seat across from her. "Would it be all right if I joined you for a few minutes?"
She did not even look up from the books, instead only pausing in her reading long enough to jot down a few notes. Her hair had been clipped back so it stayed out of her eyes while she studied, though a few strands had fallen loose. Danica did not appear to be bothered by it in the slightest. In her time in classes and out in the field, it had become clear to most everyone that she would sacrifice her looks in the name of her duty. I completely admired her dedication to the job but I could not come close to feeling that way myself.
We were born with the skill to heal and had very little options other than to become Resurrectors. A few of the Resurrectors did not show a skill for healing and instead went into other fields. They were our librarians, our teachers, our mentors, and some of them found jobs in the human realm, mostly as social workers. No one looked down on those who were not meant to be out healing. They helped in other ways and it was to be respected.
Danica still had not answered me so I made the decision for her and slid into the chair. That at least caused her to glance up at me. "What are you doing here, Thanos?" she asked before turning her focus back to the books.
"I was hoping to speak with you about field work. Samuel has informed me that I am to be released from classes to work on what they consider to be special cases, and considering you are the only other person from our class who has been given an assignment, I figured you would be the best choice for any questions I might have."
"All you need to do is follow your training. Field work is easy. Nobody really pays attention as you heal and then you leave before the charge can piece together that something miraculous has happened to them." Danica jotted down something else and then set down her pen so she could focus on the conversation. I took that as a good sign. "This is something they will cover exclusively the last month of classes."
At that I had no choice but to smile. It was good that word had not already spread of my assignment. Ruka was pretty good at keeping secrets most of the time, which I appreciated far more than I could admit out loud. "Unfortunately those are lessons I must skip," I said. "My first day in the field is tomorrow, hence my desire to speak with you."
"Congratulations on your early graduation. I apologize if this seems rude but I did not ever believe you to be so dedicated to the profession. I suppose I could take some time to run you through the basics." She stated it so simply, as if it was nothing more than fact, with no hint of disapproval or malice. That was another aspect of Danica's personality to appreciate and I doubted that she even realized it. Even her focus on her work did not keep her from helping others in need.
"I believe the only response I can give is to say that sometimes people will surprise you, and basing opinions on rumors is never the best option. It is fortunate that I was assigned to sessions with Josiah and the other Leaders." The last comment was one that I knew she would respect, because being chosen for more advanced sessions often hinted that a Resurrector was destined for some great career. I usually acted as if none of that really mattered to me, but that was because I did not want people to suspect all of the things I had been told already. The information about the Resurrectors and the Leaders that I had would be shocking to others.
The truth was that the Leaders were scared of tales they had read, predictions of a great threat to the cause, and the only piece of knowledge that kept them from panicking was that a unique Resurrector would arise to usher in changes that would bring peace. This was all information I had been told by Josiah…or knowledge I had gathered while snooping through their books and files.
Danica nodded and closed up her books, stacking them up and shoving them into her bag. "You are right and I apologize for jumping to conclusions about you," she replied as she stood up. "Now, you said you wanted to talk about field work?"
I could not have planned the conversation any better than it was already going. Frankly I did not mind if she was only doing this because she thought it was her duty to help, because if she agreed to dinner then I would win her over. Also, unlike most of the other young female Resurrectors, Danica was someone meant for more than a casual date or two.
"Yes, I would love to hear all about field work, especially from someone who has been out there. I would not want to seem overwhelmed on my first day." Perhaps I was going the tiniest bit overboard but I knew she would pity me for the position in which I found myself. "Are you available tonight? For sharing your wisdom with me the least I can do in return is to take you out to eat," I said. Then, seeing the look on her face, a slight thinning of her lips and a hint of displeasure in her eyes, I continued, "It will be strictly a business dinner. I would not want to overstep any professional boundaries."
That comment seemed to be the one that eased her mind and helped her make a decision because after a moment she gave a slight nod. "Fine. I will meet you in the courtyard at seven, unless I have a charge. Mara will find you if I am late."
I scooped up my books and gave Danica an eager smile, already feeling that I had secured myself as the best option to be her future partner. "Thank you for your help, and I will see you later." Then I walked away before she had a chance to change her mind.
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